Don't get me wrong. I love Ally McBeal, and rush home every Monday night to plop down in front of the tv and turn it on. But, as you may have guessed, in Ally's world, art does not imitate life....take it from one who knows. TV's legal darling not only lives in her own fantasy land, she lives in law lalaland too...So here you have it, in roughly chronological order, lawgirl's guide to what life would be like in the land of a real Ally McBeal....from the top and off the top of my head. Newly revised for the second season!

lawyers do not have unisex bathrooms that look like they belong in nightclubs . most female lawyers do not look like Ally and Georgia (or Nelle!) - they look more like Richard Fish . if I ever wore a suit as short as Ally or Georgia to court I would be disbarred . no female attorney I know wears Armani suits every day, no matter how much money she makes . female lawfirm lawyers wear stockings, especially to court (which is why I am one no longer) . a lawfirm with 6 lawyers does not have a support staff of 50 . Elaine would have been fired her first day on the job. trials take more than one night to prepare, and one does not go out dancing the night before trial or go to a kick-boxing lesson during lunch recess . it takes much longer than a week from filing a case through trial , and opponents get to file briefs in opposition to your motions . Ally would never be allowed to try all of the cases that she does . A case would not go before a court of appeal in a matter of days,more like months (or even years!) . 30 year old lawyers do not have their own law firms with 5 lawyers working for them and offices that would cost $30,000 per month to rent . not all lawyers go to Harvard . it is very unlikely that a judge would have sex with a prostitute at Billy's bachelor party , and no judge has ever asked me to see my teeth . there are rules governing lawyers dating clients and it certainly would not be condoned, as in the case of Ally and Ronnie, Ally and Greg, Ally and the Eighteen-Year Old, Ally and John Ritter . . . unlike in tv law (remember Stuart and Anne on l.a. law?), it is not all that common for married couples to work together at a firm . Georgia would never have grabbed the opposing counsel's butt in the hall of the courthouse, even if he is Ally's buttgrabber ex-boss . not every pretty lawyer sues for sexual harrasment . Elaine would not have standing to sue for sexual harassment based on theguys staring at the mailgirl . any lawyer named "poop" would certainly have changed her name! . Ally and Georgia (as well as the others) would not be equipped to handle every type of litigation that comes in the door . It is very unlikely that Ally or Nelle would date their boss in real life (I even find it hard to believe that they would date the biscuit on the show) . the firm would never be permitted to try a case in front of Whipper; she would have to recuse herself . there would be no civil trial to allow polygamy; polygamy is a crime . it is very unlikely that a judge would go visit litigants at home unannounced for no particular reason . protecting your girlfriend's honor would not be a viable defense to a battery charge . why are these civil lawyers trying a criminal case? . real lawyers don't have time for sculpture class . an application of the doctrine of res ipsa loquitur would not simply mean that a plane crashed and that speaks for itself . and isn't Ally tired after having a trial every single week? (busy trial lawyers have 2 or 3 a year) - it's no wonder she sees dancing babies .

* * *